


More, or Nothing at All

by kho



Category: Suits (TV)
Genre: Confusion, Episode Related, F/M, Gen, Late Night Conversations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-04
Updated: 2017-03-04
Packaged: 2018-09-28 05:51:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10075085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kho/pseuds/kho
Summary: It's not anti-Darvey but it's not pro-Darvey either, it's a conversation... a bit post the finale but really just their general dichotomy, no real specific spoilers.“She says she wants more, she’s not… she’s tired of putting her wants aside, and.”  He blows out a breath, facing Mike.  “And she was talking about work, she was talking about her job, but.  But it felt like she meant everything, it felt like she meant me."





	

Rachel opens the door to find Harvey there, hand poised to knock even more than the six times he already had in the span of thirty seconds. “Harvey. Hi.”

“Uh.” His eyes dart past her into the interior of the apartment, seeking out Mike. Mike rounds the couch and Harvey’s shoulders lower just slightly as soon as he sees him. “I came to.” He wrings his hands, and Rachel’s eyes widen. “At a bad time, I’ll… I’ll talk to Mike about it later.”

“It’s not a bad time,” Mike says, stepping further into the kitchen. “Come in.”

“Yes, sorry, come in,” Rachel says, gesturing for him to enter and stepping aside. “Is it a case?”

“No, it’s…” Harvey closes his eyes and rolls his head on his neck. “It’s nothing, I’ll talk to Mike later.”

Mike frowns, stepping closer, reaching out to put a hand on Harvey’s arm. “Harvey.”

“You know what, I forgot to pick up the wine, Mike,” Rachel says, catching Mike’s eye over Harvey’s shoulder as she grabs her purse. “If I hurry I should be able to make it in time to grab before they close.”

“Right,” Mike says, but doesn’t take his eyes off of Harvey. “Yeah, sounds good.”

“Rachel, it’s fine, I’ll just go,” Harvey says, backing away.

Mike grabs his wrist. “You’re staying. Rachel gets really fussy when she’s out of her favorite wine.”

“I need a merlot with Chicken Parm,” Rachel says, backing her way up to the door, grabbing the handle. “It’s just not right without it.”

“Foodie snob,” Mike says, shrugging. He winks at Rachel and she nods back and then she’s gone, the door snicking shut quietly behind her. Putting a hand on Harvey's shoulder he peers into his eyes. “Ok. What's happened?”

Harvey rolls his eyes again and gestured to a bottle of Pinot noir on the counter. “You mind?”

Mike sighs and backs up, pointing to where they keep the wine glasses. He watches silently as Harvey's hand shakes slightly as he pours two glasses two-thirds full before handing one to Mike. 

Harvey downs half in one swallow and avoids meeting Mike’s eyes, so Mike grabs the bottle and shoves Harvey with his knuckles into the den and over to the couch. Pushing him to sit down he sits next to him and curls up his legs. Turning to face him, he mentally prepares himself to wait a damn long damn time for this admission to happen. 

Harvey dangles the wine glass in front of him, between his legs, looking miserable. “You came to me once. Asked me how I do it. How I remain unattached to people.”

Mike frowns. “What?”

Harvey reached up and pinches the bridge of his nose. “You asked me--”

Mike puts his hand back on Harvey's shoulder. “Hey. Stop. I was wrong about that.”

Harvey shakes his head. “No but you asked me--”

“Harvey that was years ago, and I was upset. I was wrong.” Mike squeezes his hand on Harvey's shoulder before stroking it gently down Harvey's back. Shockingly enough, Harvey let's him do it. “And I wasn't attacking you.”

“No shut up, just listen, because.” Harvey's jaw clenches and his knuckles are white from how tightly he holds the glass in his hands. “Because I don't. Okay? I. I'm attached to very very few people. Very few.”

Mike nods, and says, “I know. Self preservation. That's ok Harvey.”

“No,” Harvey bites out, agitated. “Stop talking.” 

“It's just you're kind of babbling and you're letting me comfort you and it's freaking me out a little.” 

Harvey laughs then and cuts a side eye to him. “Mike.”

Mike raises his hands. “Sorry. Continue.”

Harvey takes a deep breath and looks away. “I'm attached to very few people okay. I let very few people in. My dad. My brother.”

Mike nods. “Me.”

Harvey cuts him another side eye, but his mouth quirks up in the slightest bit of a smirk. “Shut up.” 

Mike shrugs, laughing slightly. “Just saying.” 

Harvey rolls his eyes. “Yeah Mike,” he says, bumping his knee into Mike’s leg. “Yeah. You.” 

“Wow.” Mike widens his eyes and holds up his hands. “I didn't expect you to admit it. Now I'm really freaked out.”

Harvey takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. “I'm in love with Donna.”

Mike blinks, his hand falling off of Harvey’s back, leg falling off the couch to land with a loud clunk on the floor. “What did you just say?”

Harvey cringes, ducking his head and rubbing at the back of his neck. “I think.” 

“Woah,” Mike says, clearing his throat overly loud. “Uh Harvey.” He frowns, chewing on his bottom lip. “Um. What?”

“I don't know, Mike,” Harvey says, sounding desperate as he finally looks back at him. “I don't know if I even know what love is. I don't have a reference. I don't. I haven't.” 

Mike puts his hand back on Harvey’s back, feeing like he’s trying not to startle a skittish animal. “What about Scottie?” 

Harvey nods. “I love Scottie. I care deeply about Scottie.” He pauses, his hands twisting together in his lap. “But Donna is. Donna is.” 

“Donna,” Mike answers.

Harvey nods. “Donna’s  _ Donna _ .”

Mike nods. “A whole other level.” 

Harvey’s frown deepens. “Different.” 

“Special.” 

Harvey shrugs. “Important. The most important. More than… God, more than anyone Mike.” 

Mike nods, squeezing Harvey’s shoulder. “Yeah. I know.” 

“You know?” 

“Yeah Harvey. I know.” 

Harvey spreads his hands wide, helpless. “So what do I do? Huh? What the fuck do I do with that?”

Mike shakes his head. “I can't answer that. Where’s this coming from?”

“Mike I can't. I haven't ever.” Harvey shuts his eyes, reaching up to scrub at his face. “She says she wants more, she’s not… she’s tired of putting her wants aside, and.” He blows out a breath, facing Mike. “And she was talking about work, she was talking about her job, but. But it felt like she meant everything, it felt like she meant me. And the thing is… Mike, the thing is....”

“Yeah.”

“I don't even know if I'm actually in love with her, or if I'm just so fucking terrified of losing her again that I'm…” Harvey waves a hand around. “Just, confused. Grasping at straws. Reaching for a life preserver..” He looks at Mike. “What do I do?”

“I can’t answer that,” Mike says, rubbing his thumb absently over Harvey’s shoulder as a gesture of comfort. “I know you love her, but… Harvey I don’t know if you… I don’t know  _ how _ you love her.”

Harvey stares at him and then takes a deep breath. “How?”

Mike nods. “Yeah, like… I don’t know if you love her like a sister, like family, like her kids will call you Uncle and yours would call her Aunt, or if you love her like…” He looks up, spreading his hands wide. 

“Like how my dad loved,” Harvey says quietly. “Immediately, all in, up to his eyeballs. Wholeheartedly, without reservation, stupid, blind, can’t stop even if you tried to, type love.”

Mike nods slowly, resting his hand on the back of Harvey’s neck. “Yeah, like that.”

“The day he died, Mike. Til the day he died… He loved her even then.” Harvey blinks, looking down at the wine glass clutched between his hands. “Donna deserves someone to love her like that. She deserves that. And I can’t…. I don’t know if I could ever… Even for her, if I could ever. I can’t.”

“Do you honestly not know, or are you just--” Mike cuts himself off before he finishes, shutting his mouth quickly, afraid just by saying it, asking it, he’ll make Harvey shut down.

“Scared,” Harvey finishes, meeting Mike’s eyes. “Fuck yes. I’m scared. I’m goddamn terrified, Mike.”

“Okay,” Mike says, digging his fingers into Harvey’s neck to soothe him. “Harvey, I think maybe that right there is your answer.”

“So, situation reversed, Mike,” Harvey says, still searching his eyes, like Mike has all the answers. It’s a look he’s never been on the receiving end from Harvey and one he’s not entirely comfortable in receiving. “You asked me once how to be detached… I’m asking you, how do I stop?”

Mike shakes his head. “It doesn’t work that way,” he says, letting his hand drop and scooting closer to Harvey on the couch, his knee pressing into his thigh. “And I told you. I was wrong. You’re not detached, Harvey.”

“Yes I am. I’ve spent a long time making certain of it.”

Mike shakes his head. “No you’re not. Not from me. Not from Jessica. Not from Scottie, and not from Donna. You are are attached, Harvey. You don’t define it, you don’t say it, you don’t show it if you can help it, but you are.”

“But I don’t  _ know _ ,” Harvey hisses out, pained, embarrassed, but willing to say it, and doesn’t that just knock Mike for a fucking loop. “How can I… if I don’t know what kind of love it is, if I don’t know. Mike, I can’t take a chance with her and three months down the road realize--”

“Harvey, loving isn’t doing,” Mike says, reaching out to grab his arm to stop him from moving. “It’s not this act you take, it’s just… this thing. It’s this feeling. You don’t decide, you don’t think it through, you don’t weigh pros and cons. It just is.”

“You don’t understand,” Harvey says, reaching up to scrub at his face. “You don’t get it. She’s  _ everything _ Mike.”

“I think I understand that feeling  _ very _ well,” Mike says gently.

“No, Mike, you don’t,” Harvey says, breathing out slowly. “Because I’d rather die alone then go the rest of my life without her in it. So if that means nothing ever happens and I get to keep her? Then I choose that. I choose that, every time, over going for something and losing her.”

“What are you afraid of,” Mike asks, leaning back against the arm rest. Off Harvey’s look he laughs. “I’m serious. That you won’t be sexually attracted to her?” Harvey arches an eyebrow. “Exactly, so we know that’s not a concern. That you will just suddenly stop loving her? That she’ll stop loving you?”

Harvey looks away.

“Harvey. It doesn’t work like that.”

“But it does, Mike. I’m living proof,” Harvey says, and it hurts Mike so deep down in his soul to see tears glisten in Harvey’s eyes and he wants badly to reach out and wrap his arms around Harvey and never let go. He knows if he does though Harvey will bolt, so he remains silent, and on his part of the couch. “My Mom, she cheated on my Dad for so long, with so many.... I don’t even know if she ever loved him. I don’t know if she loved him until she just simply didn’t. Hell, I don’t even know if she ever loved  _ me _ . And if my Mom--”

“Don’t.”

Harvey looks at him. “Excuse me?”

“Stop right there.”

Harvey snorts out a laugh. “Stop what?”

“If you finish that thought I am going to come over there and beat you in the head until the sense gets knocked back into you, are you  _ serious _ ,” Mike yells, and he can barely even contain the rage he feels swell in his chest. “You are worthy of love, goddamnit.”

Harvey quirks a small smile. “Mike.”

“No, shut up,” Mike says, standing up and starting to pace. “Stop it. Because you don’t get to do that, you don’t get to go one more second thinking you are un--” He spins around to glare at Harvey. “I went to  _ jail _ because I love you, Harvey. Do you understand that?”

Harvey shakes his head in the negative. “No, Mike. I don’t. I never did. I never will. I will never understand why you took that deal. Why you sacrificed yourself.”

“Because you picked a piece of shit loser up off the street and saw past the bullshit and the weed in his briefcase and the history of fuckups and gave him  _ all of this _ ,” he says, spreading his hands wide. “And you gave him your trust, and your friendship, and your loyalty, and the only thing you ever asked for in return was the same.”

Harvey’s jaw clenches. “Don’t you ever call yourself a piece of shit loser again.”

“I know you don’t say these things, Harvey, and you don’t like to acknowledge things, but you love me too,” Mike says, sitting on the table in front of him. “And you show me every day, in whatever way you can. A smile, a wink, a gesture, offering yourself to the chopping block if it means I get into the bar. And when I was being a dick, and blaming you, and yelling at you, you just took it because you know me. You knew I didn’t mean it. You knew I was full of shit, and you allowed me to target you because that made it easier on me.”

Harvey shrugs. “Okay.”

“I’m saying you’re a marshmallow,” Mike yells, reaching out to flick Harvey in the middle of the forehead with his finger. “A goddamn marshmallow with an ooey gooey center all covered in black charcoal burnt outer crust, and you know what? That shit was always my favorite part.”

Harvey’s frown is more of a smirk. “Did you just call me crusty?”

“And I know that about you, you know why? Because  _ I know you _ .” Mike pauses and breathes for a second to calm down and shakes his head. “And there is someone else that knows you, knows you better than even I do, and that’s Donna.”

Harvey rolls his eyes up and lets out another slow breath. “I’m just. I feel like...” His hands spread out wide. “It’s an impossible decision, Mike.”

Mike sits down next to him, shoulder to shoulder, and lets ot a huf of air. “Okay, Harvey. You want my honest to God, tell the truth and nothing but the truth opinion?”

Harvey studies him for a moment and then slowly nods.

“If it’s a decision, if it’s actually a decision and not a foregone conclusion,” Mike says quietly, meeting his eyes. “Then you’re not in love with her. Not like that.”

Harvey sinks back into the cushions of the couch, closing his eyes. “Oh.”

“How does that feel,” Mike asks, leaning back with him. “Hearing that. Does it make you wanna hit me?”

“No, Mike, it sounds like the truth,” Harvey says, opening his eyes to stare at the far wall. 

“You seem sad,” Mike says softly.

Harvey nods, smiling only slightly. “I’m tired of being alone, Mike. Being in love with Donna, that felt like my last shot at happiness.”

Mike feels like his own heart is shattering. “Maybe I’m wrong, Harvey. I can’t see inside your heart.”

“No, you’re right, Mike,” Harvey says, sitting up straight before standing up, setting his wine glass on the table. “I think I knew that to begin with… I just needed to hear it.”

“Harvey,” Mike says as Harvey starts towards the door. “What are you gonna do?”

“I’m gonna end it,” Harvey says, and then he nods, turns, and leaves.

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on tumblr here under [@lovethesnark](http://lovethesnark.tumblr.com). 
> 
> Fanfiction Website  
> MOST of my fic is not on AO3, though all of my H5O and beyond is as AO3 didn't exist yet and it was too much to archive. It can be found on my website at [LoveTheSnark.com](http://www.lovethesnark.com).


End file.
